At the same time as the House and Senate were, for the sake of bipartisanship and stimulusness compromising their collective souls to your______ (add religion) very own devil, Timmy "I'm still called Timmy" Geithner was very, very busy pulling the very largest heist in criminal history, by assembling all the policy and economic wonks he could afford to purchase (that were given time off from their day jobs at Wendy's Fine Burgers) in order to justify to the public and the world just WHY the same crappy bailout scheme that Hankie "Don't Fuckin Call Me That" Paulsen foisted upon us in a two page memo just last September, would conceivably work a second time around, even with a tad bit more "transparency". Of course Uncle Timmy had more than a dinky two page note (that presumably the dog ate on his way to school, so he wasn't prepared for the test) and should be excused ANYWAY since the case of explosive diarrhea that the stock markets had to his notions was just as predictable as Mr Brown, the fourth grade teacher who didn't buy that shit anyway and made him take the test with smelly pants. Even the French wouldn't sit next to him. The markets worldwide went into an absolute freefall clusterfuck. Nobel Laureate Paul Krugman, world renowned economist and pretty nice guy, wouldn't take his Twitter messages. Oprah put all her billions in bullion. Mickey Mouse, who's like 130 years old by now, and living in Palm Springs next door to OJ, called me to say, in his inimitable squeaky way, "WTF!!!" Long story short, no one bought it, even the fucking bankers on Fucking WALL STREET!! I can see where the WS wankers getting all shirty if it was going to actually HURT them, but Timbo's plan doesn't, not in any way thats yet been revealed. Perhaps it'll be like on of those old radio serial dramas, where the listeners, audience, even the damn writers didn't know what peril the next episode was going to whoever was in dire danger in the previous installment. Or maybe it's like one of those "Toxic HomeLoans"[tm] where the next payment is the big SUUURRRPISE payment of 90% of the original loan. And we all know how well those worked out for the country now dont we class? Won't forget your homework again now will you Timmy? Good. Because the next time you do you have to spend recess in the dum dum de dum CLOAK ROOOOM!!! And the last guy to spend recess in there alone was never seen again!!! Not ALIVE ANYWAY!! BWAHHHH....
Some of the mail I get is very serious, and it can really get me down if I read it all in one clip, or as just happened, a machine malfunction caused my e-mail to pile up to astronomical proportions. And I cant be one of those people who deletes the lot and forgets about it. It would rankle. Teeth would gnash. Thoughts would be with some deposed dictators ex-wife who needs ME to help her get 90 kagillion US dollars out of the Republic of Swaziland safely to her home on Park Ave in New York. (Yes I know know that Swaziland has a King, but lets not split heirs) So the thing that I did do is go through all four separate mail accounts, and delete line by line everything that even had a spammy smell. That took two days. We're talking several thousand e-mails here, not even including the ones in the spam boxes, which just went bye-bye as is. Finally I get it down to yesterdays and todays mail, no sweat, I say to myself. "Self, you've done a magnificent job of work it would've taken many lesser humans weeks to accomplish, treat thyself, self!" And it being Wednesday, an unusally warm and clement day for winter, nearly SIXTY degrees for Dogs sake! Get oujt side and get some exercise, and enjoy this fine day. So I harness up the Boston Terrorist, put on the ratty old New Balance shoes cause theres sure to be mud and dog shit, and hit a local nature trail. Nearly two miles of semi-unspoiled wetlands in the midst of an industrial neighborhood (I may be from a professsion that breeds wealth, but it skipped my generaton!) and joined many other like minded souls. It being still WINTER, there was still much ice on the unpaved path, and much mud and dog-shit as predicted. What I had not in any way predicted was a complete and total moron on a RACING BICYCLE! ON ICE! In February! This looney was going as fast as physics and his vehicle would allow, but I didn't see him until after my dog did. The dog was on an retractable lead, OK for walking on sidewalks, on icy trails, no so much. Bostons are small but solid dogs, with very thick necks, and a very determined nature. His determination was to catch and kill the idiot on the trail bike. That there was anyone else on the other end of the lead was not in his focus. So my dog charged the biker, who didn't see the smallish canine, but heard him, and promptly ran his bike off the trail into the marsh, sailing headfirst into the muck and ice. The dog must have thought he killed it, and moved onto other more interesting subjects, like why was the "Food Guy" lying there on the ground screaming in pain? Well, FG as he calls me around the house, was hurt kinda bad. Seems that when FG's hand went flying trying to hold onto said lead, its partner hit the ground at an angle that doctors, this one included, do not recommend. After limping home and dumping off the Terrorist, I went to my local orthopod, who said I broke my wrist. After correcting him that my dog broke it trying to successfully (well, one can hope) kill an idiot cyclist, I took his pain med prescription to the pharmacy and am ever so thankful that the wrist was my left one. Self love is REALLY difficult with a cast on your wrist!
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